Wordplay
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's
your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recover-
ed.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Li-
noleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Because You Are Not A Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they
say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his
car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the on-
ly way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how
do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of
the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found
what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,
"Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man de-
mands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key
from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door,
this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone
through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you are not a monk
