Its late and now it is time for a post. I have pretty much moved to DeSoto now and so the posts may be a little less frequent. Me being online will probably be a little more limited as well. That said I hope everyone out there had a safe and happy holiday and are all doing well. It seems my brother mentioned that a GameCube wouldn't really be a bad thing for me as it seems shopping for me is rather difficult. I now have the trifecta of slack being all three consols. I also have Metroid Prime 2 Echos and I do have to say that 51 inches of hd def Samus kicking ass is pretty sweet, and folks the master chief is just bloody scarry. I also managed a bass guitar which is something I have always wanted to learn but never had the money to buy an instrument. It is a very pretty dark red Ibenez Bass and sounds great. Just need to practice now. I will make it to new years so no fear to that and I suspect i will see many of you then. No word yet on any jobs but hey I don't really expect to hear anything till into the new year anyway. Dads Shop is built and even with 125000 BTU's of heat from two heaters when it is 8 outside the best we can manage is 40 inside. It is a rather large shop though but its great to work in. Ah well, I am sure i will post again eventually.
December 2004 Archives
I am currently in desoto in the black of tech but here is a post
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL WHEREVER YOU MAY BE. HAVE A GOOD ONE GUYS.
~Mortisoul
aka BitterMatt
aka Matt
here is the lyrics to the original flash which we all enjoyed so much a few years ago.
I work at burger king making flame broiled whoppers
I wear paper hats
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Ding fries are done (x4)
I gotta run (x4)
Don't bob for fries in hot vat it really hurts bad and so do skin grafts
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Where is the bell?
Wait for the bell
Can't hear the bell
Where is the bell?
Ding fries are done (x4)
I work at burger king making flame broiled whoppers
I wear paper hats
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Ding fries are done (x4)
Is funny :) very funny
Was I really this bad?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HMMM Physics in action........
8 things NOT to wrap up and give
The Razorba Back Shaver: There is only one way to remove your back hair without enlisting the help of another person. It is called the Razorba. It is a horrible gift idea.
Jenna Jameson's Pubic Hair Trimmer: Ever since George Foreman, celebrity endorsed gifts have become popular. Recently, someone decided that adult film star Jenna Jameson should endorse a hair trimmer. Every gift says something. This one says 'I think you are too hairy' while also managing to mutter 'I think you are skanky'.
Rectal Pads: Pads to clean your rectum are a bad gift idea.
A Douche Bag: We recently learned that the term Douche Bag is not permitted on television or radio even when referring to an actual douche bag. This has prevented us from running a cheery, prime time, and holiday-themed commercial for them.
Adult Diapers: The embarrassment of buying adult diapers in a drug store is excruciating. Receiving them as a gift on Christmas morning will not help the issue.
Beano: Your uncle Henry may get a little gassy after a big holiday meal. Offering some Beano gas preventative as a stocking stuffer probably won't make him feel any better.
The Guide To Stronger Erections: Giving a man a video that discusses erectile dysfunction could easily destroy his will to live.
Generic Menopause Pills: This item is our pick for the worst Christmas gift of 2004. It completes a bad gift trifecta. First, it reminds the recipient that they are getting older. Second, it says 'There seems to be something wrong with you'. Finally, generic brands say that you fail to care enough to give the very best.
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The Way a wedding can feel
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This speaks for itself
Suprnova's demise as a BitTorrent clearing house coincides with increasing legal pressure in America and Europe against P2P-enabled piracy. In the last week the
Movie Picture Ass. of America
signalled its intention to pursue the P2P server operators in a new front in its war internet movie pirates. Also, a popular BitTorrent site in Finland was raided by police, and an eDonkey site in the Netherlands was raided and shut down.
the above taken from the register is sad news, but the abbreviation for the MPAA is great.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
---------------------------------------------------------------------
ASCII Boobies
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) Flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| Android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
Marines last request
News anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."
So Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Katie dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead.
In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have all you liberal poopers call ME the aggressor!?"
---------------------------------------------------
Obituary
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
---------------------------------------------------
Target
This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.
When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and�bang!�knocks him clean off the barstool and onto the floor.
The big guy says, �That was a karate chop from Korea.�
The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden�bang!�the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, �That was a judo chop from Japan.�
Deciding he�s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.
He�s gone for an hour before he returns and�crash!�he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, �When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron�from Target.�
---------------------------------------------------
Dr vs. Mechanic
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr.Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Six scientific ways to catch a lion:
1. Newton's Method:
Let the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method:
Place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
Construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
GOT FRUSTRATED
now lets kill the lion...
Govinda method:
Continously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Rahul Dravid method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continously.
George Bush method:
Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him.
Delhi Police method:
Catch mouse, beat him till he admits he is the Lion, then kill him!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have been
given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm.This means
"something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually
end in "Fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men.
A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say, "You're Welcome."
three different news sites quote the company as saying different things I give up the post is deleted.
1. "This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."
2. "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
3. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
4. "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
5. "Textbook is confusing...Someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."
6. "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way
I felt all term."
7. "In class I learn that I can fudge answers and get away with it."
8. "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
9. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries
to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
10. "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
11. "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
12. "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
class."
13. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
14. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
15. "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing it's a great stress reliever."
16. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
17. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
got a cool nest in the tree."
18. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
19. "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."
20. "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then
solidarity kicked in."
21. "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
22. "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
23. "TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."
24. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all
directions--no way to stop it."
25. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets than I would have used
the text."
26. "What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You got an Carrots?
A rabbit walked in to a pub and said to the barman "have you got any carrots", the barman said "no, try the grocery shop down the road". The next day the rabbit went back in to the pub and said "have you got any carrots", the barman said "no, we don't sell carrots". The same thing happened again the next day and the day after. The day after that the rabbit went back in to the same pub and said "have you got any carrots" the barman said "if you come in again and ask for some carrots i'll nail your ears to the floor". The next day the rabbit walked in to the bar and said "have you got any nails" and the barman said "no" so the rabbit said "have you got any carrots then".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Class Game
A teacher was playing a game with her class. She said "I'm holding something behind my back. It's red and you can eat it."
A little boy puts his hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a tomato?"
"No," replied the teacher, "It's an apple, but it shows you're thinking!"
She continued, "I'm now holding something behind my back. It's yellow and you can eat it."
A little girl puts her hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a banana?"
"No," replied the teacher, "It's a lemon, but it shows you're thinking!"
Just then, little Johnny at the back, giggling putt's his hand up and says, " 'ere Miss, I got one for ya! I'm holding somefin' under the table. It's straight and 'ard, two inches long and got a round red bit at the end!"
The teacher says, "Johnny, don't be so vulgar!"
Johnny says, "It's a match Miss, but it shows you're thinking!"
Corporate Cow Models
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
They are mad. They die.
Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
There are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Speeding ticket
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief
exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the
cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
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How dogs can be better.....
1. Dogs don't cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs love red meat.
14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
17. Dogs don't shop.
18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. A dog's parents never visit.
22. Dogs love long car trips.
23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
And of course if you are offended by anything you have seen or read, well you came here on your own anyway.
Real Programmers...
# Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to SPELL quiche! They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
# Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.
# Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
# Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
# Don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
# Don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.
# Don't use LOGO. In fact no programmers use LOGO after puberty.
# Don't use APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
# Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
# Don't use Pascal, BLISS, ADA, or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
# Never work 9 to 5. If any are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.
# Don't play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, though, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
# Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the "Chief Programmer."
# Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
# Don't drive clapped out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are also highly regarded.
# Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.
# Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
# Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it
was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men"
and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real
Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche
Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said
things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital
letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like
"computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers
-- they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out that Real
Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world
in which little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens,
12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids
and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even understand their very own
Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming
extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's.
There is a clear need to point out the differences between the
typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If
this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to
aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain
to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to
replace the Real Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man
players (at a considerable salary savings).
LANGUAGES
---------
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by
the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use
FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of
PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce
your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing
it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately
from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only
parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is
call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H
compilers. Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to
get their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a
FORTRAN-IV compiler, and a beer.
* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
* Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
* Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you
can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
----------------------
The academics in computer science have gotten into the
"structured programming" rut over the past several years. They claim
that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses some
special language constructs and techniques. They don't all agree on
exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show
their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some
obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an example to
convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best
programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe
program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line
programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World.
My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a
200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any
Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the
world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual
talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured
Programming:
* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
* Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without
getting confused.
* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the
code more interesting.
* Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they
can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
* Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or
CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not
using them. Besides, they can to simulated when necessary using
assigned GOTO's.
Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately.
Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have
become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche
Eater) actually wrote an entire book [2] contending that you could
write a program based on data structures, instead of the other way
around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful. data structure
is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all
special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily
without messing up your programming language with all sorts of
complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have
to declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have
implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six character)
variable name.
OPERATING SYSTEMS
-----------------
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer?
CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating
system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can
understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix
hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video came.
People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around
the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses 0S\370. A good programmer can
find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in
his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find hugs buried
in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have
actually seen this done.)
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to
destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the
programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system
is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Tire Sharing
system that runs on 0S\370, but after careful study I have come to the
conclusion that they were mistaken.
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
----------------
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a
Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front
panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had front
panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real
Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and
toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then,
memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today,
memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or remembers
things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that
Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control
Data's computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the
CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on.
Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer
for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user
whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some important work.
Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to
toggle in disk I/0 instructions at the front panel, repairing system
tables in hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The
moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually includes a
keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just a
front panel and a telephone in emergencies.
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten
engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the
building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real
Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor"
program. Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and
the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his
personal style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the
world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on their
Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would
ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and
would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse.
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been
incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named operating
systems -- EMACS and VI being two. The problem with these editors is
that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be
just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No the Real
Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor --
complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be
precise.
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely
resembles transmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the
more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a
command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible
typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your
program, or even worse -- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a
once working subroutine.
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually
edit a program that is close to working. They find it much easier to
just patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program
called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so
well that many working programs on IBM systems heat no relation to the
original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no
longer available. When it comes time to fix a program like this,
no manager would even think of sending anything less than a Real
Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer
would even know where to start. This is called "job security".
Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of
programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on
structured programming.
* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.
* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity,
destroy most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it
impossible to modify the operating system with negative
subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
* Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code
locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot
leave his important programs unguarded [5].
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
---------------------------
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of
programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You
can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing
accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for
People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking
importance (literally!).
* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing
atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
* Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding
Russian transmissions.
* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real
Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and
back before the Russkies.
* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating
systems for cruise missiles.
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the
Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire
operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With
a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small
spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do
incredible feats of navigation and improvisation -- hitting
ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in space,
Repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries.
Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching
program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager
spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of
Jupiter.
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity
assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory
passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is
goinq to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation
to these tolerances.
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for
the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it
should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real
Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at
the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be
written in some grand unified language called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a
while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went
against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a language with
structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons.
In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical
Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough
interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly
complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system and
rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it [6].
(Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered
Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by
PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined
Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.
The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on
something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know
it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real
Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not
playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every
time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real
Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million
Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer
Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has
found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer
graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing
graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
---------------------------
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works --
with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually
pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is
careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real
Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a
beer or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the
computer room:
* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner
talking about operating system security and how to get around it.
* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the
plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts
in the sand.
* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George.
And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."
* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on
running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because
he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first
time.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
-------------------------------------
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best
in? This is an important question for the managers of Real
Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on
the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can
get his work done.
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer
terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:
* Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on,
piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the
office.
* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the
coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
* Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual
and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly
interesting pages.
* Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year
1969.
* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter
filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the
bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending
machine.
* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
* Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by
the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write
programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance
people.)
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours
at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way.
Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a
chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not
enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make
things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part
of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the
last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses
the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the
project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the
documentation. In general:
* No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).
* Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
* Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
* Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].
* A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He
does, however, know he entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't
open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on
Twinkles and coffee.
THE FUTURE
----------
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real
Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not
being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many
of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone
graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a
calculator. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from
the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors
that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. Worst
of all, some of those alleged "computer scientists" manage to get
degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an
industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers?
From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright
for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any
signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the
world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding structured coding
constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have
come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of
converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an
option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be.
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once
was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating
system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two different and subtly
incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype
driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured",
even 'C' programming can be appreciated hey the Real Programmer: after
all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven, (ten- eight-)
characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown
in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in
one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for
#define.)
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the last few years,
the popular press has even commented or the bright new crop of computer
nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T.
for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming
lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are
ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will
be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving
the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!
REFERENCES
----------
[1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New
York, Pocket Books, 1982.
[2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures =
Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.
[3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing",
IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4,
Dec. 4, 1980.
[4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors
-- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis,
MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of
Technology, May 1980.
[5] Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer
Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold,
1971, p. 110.
[6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to
the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct
1978.
[7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3
No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66.
[8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.
[9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct
21 16:55:16 1982
Avoid taking unnecessary gambles. Lucky Numbers 12, 14, 17, 20, 28 ,36
You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.
Someone can read your mind...
Magic time is created when an unconventional person comes.
Hell is paved with good intentions
Confucius say: you have heart as big as Texas
A nice cake is waiting for you
You are almost there
You are going to have new clothes
Our first and last love is....Self-Love
You have unusual equipment for success, use it properly
Help I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery
Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment. (werewovles anyone?)
You will receive a fortune.(cookie)
A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizzard. (if you see this one DON"T EAT THE COOKIE!!!!!)
You love Chinese food.
Don't forget you are always on our minds.
You are filled with lifes most precious treasure.....
Don't ask, don't say. Everything lies in silence
---------------------------
The guys faq page is pretty decent as well
ENGINEER SPEAK
Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws
Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of uni
Engineer says: Close project coordination
Engineer means: We know who to blame
Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech
Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer
is happy to get it delivered
Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch
Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works
Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit
Engineer says: It is in process
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the
situation is hopeless
Engineer says: We'll look into it
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now
Engineer says: Please read and initial
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake
Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done
Engineer says: Give us your interpretation
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!
Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely
Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous
design
Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!
Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged
Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked
Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off
Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken
------------------------------------------------------------------
30 Things Guys Should Know About Girls - written by a guy
1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house... they run around in their underwear just like we do.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foul proof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you DESERVED it.
7. DON'T be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
8. If you DON'T sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
9. You CAN be dirty minded in private, really... most of them are not offended by it.
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them DON'T mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.
11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get THREE THINGS from her boyfriend - a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the shit out of him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She DOESN'T care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You're dead meat if you CAN'T get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be PRINCE CHARMING to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. DON'T flirt with their moms... that's just freaky.
20. DON'T be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be UNDERSTANDING.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. DON'T stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very GENTLE.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
27. DON'T marinate the cologne, but smell good.
28. DON'T give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
11. Yo momma's so crazy, she makes pi look rational.
10. Yo momma's so annoying, she made Clippy try to turn itself off.
9. Yo momma's so fat, she has to share resources with herself.
8. Yo momma's so insecure, she makes an unpatched copy of Microsoft IIS look like Fort Knox.
7. Yo momma's so stupid, she leaves possible buffer overruns in a "Hello World" application.
6. Yo momma's so boring, she makes debugging Prolog seem fun.
5. Yo momma's so fat, she uses FAT256.
4. Yo momma's code is so bloated, she makes assembly look like C.
3. Yo momma's so fat, she uses C++++.
2. Yo momma's so flea-ridden, she has more bugs than Tribes 2.
1. Yo momma's so ugly, she makes custom regex engines in perl look beautiful
Wordplay
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's
your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recover-
ed.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Li-
noleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Because You Are Not A Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they
say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his
car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the on-
ly way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how
do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of
the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found
what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,
"Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man de-
mands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key
from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door,
this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone
through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you are not a monk
Oxymorons
0. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if they're cute.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded military grade weapons.
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Computer terms
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".
Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".
Default Directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.
Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.
Help
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.
Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. (like this one... emmm)
Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
* Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
* Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
* Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
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IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
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* Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just kcuf off and leave me alone.
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
* The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
* Sex is like air.
It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
* Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
* Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
* Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
* If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
* Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
* If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
* Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
* Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
* Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
* Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse.
From there on in, life gets worse
* The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
* Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
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Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
So where did the rest of him get burried?
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A Young Train Conductor
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language!
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon! She heard her little darling continue..."for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
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Stupid Facts
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or
older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from
each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when
the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains
all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William
Jefferson
Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account
the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is
Barbara Millicent Roberts.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !!
PS... So, did you try to lick your elbow????
