GOOD BUMPER STICKERS
# I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
# Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
# It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
# I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
# If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
# If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
# Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
# If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
# Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
# Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
# If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
# Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To kcarc Open A Cold One.
# Ax Me About Ebonics
# Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
# Boldly Going Nowhere
# Cat: The Other White Meat
# Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
# Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
# Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
# Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
# How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
# If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
# Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
# Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
# Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
# What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
# Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
# Eat Moose 10,000 Wolves can't be wrong
# Support Abortion, Don't labour under a misconception.
# Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
# Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
# If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
# Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
# If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
# Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
# If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
# My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
# Thank You For Pot Smoking.
# To All You Virgins... Thanks For Nothing.
# If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
# Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
# If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
# Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
# It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
# If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
# You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
# The Earth Is Full - Go Home
# I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
# This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
# So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
# Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
# If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
# The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
# Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
# Illiterate? Write For Help
# Honk If Anything Falls Off
# Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
# He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
# I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
# You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now
The amazing things you find in school essays
Similes Found in High School Essays
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like nderpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole
in it and now goes around the country speaking at
highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left levelandat 6:36p.m.
travelling at 55mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19p.m.at a
speed of 35mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.
