October 2004 Archives

Claude the Magician

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your
eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
gleaming the spot lights off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit,"
said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

So yesterday my father drops me an email and I am to go home and help with the leaves in the yard, but not to get there till about noon because he has an appointment.

I get there early and dismantle my ranger door to finally fix the door ajar sensor (solution: disconnect it completely) I put the door back together and dad comes home and on his way into the house he asks me to go up to his ranger and get the .45 semi auto match pistol and the .357 revolver out of the back of the truck along with the speed loaders and extra clips. So a bit taken back after i have brought in the 3500 worth of guns ammo and holsters, politely ask why these things were in the truck. His response was he had to finish out the saftey course for Missouri Concealed Carry. I ask why he wanted the CC license and his response was, because I can......

At least before you could see if he had a gun so you knew wether or not you had any time to run before he could get his hands on one to shoot you, now I have to be good all the time as one never knows when pops is packin heat.....

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice

fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl

says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how

to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's

collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies

thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
------------------------

*SON SAYS:* Daddy, how was I born?

*DAD SAYS:* Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded
from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it
was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little
virus appeared.

And that's the story.

10 Husbands abd still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Pinky quotes
---------------------------
Pinky are you Pondering what I am Pondering?
---------------------------

Sure, Brain, but how are we going to find chaps our size?

I think so, Brain, but where we going to find a duck and a host at this hour?

Well, I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so.

I think so Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.

I think so Brain, but this time you wear the tutu.

I think so Brain, but me and Pipi Longstocking, I mean, what would the children look like?

Well, I think so Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels.

Wuh, I think so Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married?

Uh ... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?

I think so, but where will we find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?

I think so Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.

Wuh, I think so, but wel'll never get a monkey to use dental floss.

I think so Brain, but if they called them "sad meals", kids wouldn't buy them.

Well, I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.

Aww, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... uh, it's all too much for me.

I think so Brain, but there's still a bug in there from last time.

I think so Brain, but I get all clammy inside the tent.

I think so Brain, but I don't think Kay Ballard is in the union?

Yes, I am!

I think so Brain, but the Rockettes? I mean, it's mostly girls, isn't it?

I think so Brain, but pants with horizontal stripes makes me look chubby.

Well, I think so Brain, but panyhose are so uncomfortable in the summertime.

I think so Brain, but it's a miracle this one grew back.

Well, I think so Brain but first you'd have to take that whole bridge apart wouldn't you?

I think so, Brain, but "Snowball for Windows"?

Well, I think so Brain, but "apply North Pole" to what?

I think so Brain, but, snort, no, no, it's too stupid.

Umm, I think so Don Cerebro, but umm, why would Sophia Loren do a musical?

Umm, I think so Brain, but what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?

I think so Brain, but isn't that why they invented tube socks?

I think so Brain but what if we stick to the seat covers?

Ewww, I think so Brain, but I think I'd rather eat the Macarena.

I think so Brain, but don't we need a pool to play Marco Polo?

Well, I think so, but Kevin Costner with an English accent?

Well, I think so Brain, but do I really need two tongues?

Well, I think so Brain, but we're already naked.

We eat the box?

I think so Brain, but don't camels spit a lot?

I think so Brain, but Pete Rose? I mean, can we trust him?

I think so Brain, but how do we get a pair of Abe Vegoda's pants?

I think so Brain, but why would Peter Bogdanovich?

Well, I think so Brain but if Jimmy kcarcs corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

I think so Brain, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gerkin?

I think so Brain, but if we had a snowmobile, wouldn't it melt before summer?

I think so Larry, and Brain, but how we will get all seven dwarves to shave their legs.

I think so Brain, but how do we get the Spice Girls into the paella.

I think so Brain, but if we get Sam Spade, he'll never have any puppies.

Well, I think so Brain, but wouldn't anything lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

I think so Brain, but three round meals a day wouldn't be as hard to swallow.

But calling it Pu-Pu platter? What were they thinking?

I think so Brain, but if we give peas a chance, won't the lima beans feel left out?

What was that?

I think so Brain, but if the plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?

I think so Brain, but can the gummi worms really live in peace with the Marshmellow Chicks?

Yes Brain, but if our knees bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?

Yes, but why does the chicken cross the road, huh, if not for love? Oh, I don't know.

I think so Brain, but I prefer space jelly.

Oh Brain, I certainly hope so.

I think so Brain, but why would anyone want a depressed tongue?

I think so Brain, but who wants to see Snow White and the Seven Samurai?

I think so Brain, but then my name would be "thumby".

I think so Brain, but I find scratching just makes it worse.

I think so Brain, but shouldn't the bat boy be wearing a cape.

Umm, I think so Brainie, but why would anyone want to Pierce Brosnan?

Me thinks so Brain, verily, but doest thou think Pete Rose by any other name would still smell as sweaty?

I think so Brain, but will they let the Cranberry Duchess stay in the Lincoln Bedroon?

I think so Brain, but why does a forklift have to be so big if all it does is lift forks?

I think so Brain, but wouldn't his movies be more suitable for children if he was named 'Jean Claude Van Darn'?

I think so Brain, but what if the hippopotimus won't wear the beach thong?

Whew! I'd say the odds of that are terribly slim.

I think so Brain, but if was only supposed to be a three hour tour, why did Howells bring all his money?

I think so Brain, but Zero Mostel times anything is still Zero Mostel.

I think so Brain, but if we have nothing to fear but fear itself, then why does Elenor Roosevelt wear that spooky mask?

Umm, I think so Big Brainy Fish Face Stove Pipe Wiggle Room Eileen. But if you get a long little doggie, wouldn't you just call it a dachshund?

I think so Brain, but then I'd have to know what pondering is, wouldn't I?

I think so Brain, but "instant karma" always gets so lumpy.

Umm, I think so Brain, but a show about two talking lab mice? It'll never get on the air!

GOOD BUMPER STICKERS
# I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
# Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
# It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
# I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
# If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
# If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
# Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
# If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
# Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
# Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
# If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
# Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To kcarc Open A Cold One.
# Ax Me About Ebonics
# Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
# Boldly Going Nowhere
# Cat: The Other White Meat
# Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
# Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
# Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
# Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
# How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
# If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
# Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
# Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
# Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
# What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
# Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
# Eat Moose 10,000 Wolves can't be wrong
# Support Abortion, Don't labour under a misconception.
# Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
# Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
# If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
# Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
# If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
# Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
# If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
# My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
# Thank You For Pot Smoking.
# To All You Virgins... Thanks For Nothing.
# If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
# Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
# If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
# Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
# It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
# If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
# You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
# The Earth Is Full - Go Home
# I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
# This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
# So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
# Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
# If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
# The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
# Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
# Illiterate? Write For Help
# Honk If Anything Falls Off
# Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
# He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
# I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
# You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now

The amazing things you find in school essays

Similes Found in High School Essays

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like nderpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole
in it and now goes around the country speaking at
highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left levelandat 6:36p.m.
travelling at 55mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19p.m.at a
speed of 35mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

Shotgun Rules

Now this is long but funny and informative :)

Who Mario really is and how he stays afloat during hard times at Nintendo.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations .
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Are your holidays like this?
CHRISTMANS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Resistance Pr0n

Improve Your Computer Vocabulary

Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts

Backup: Opposite of go forward

Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

Bit: 12 1/2 cents

Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude

Bug: 1. Programmer's term for a feature 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors

Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

Coding: An addictive drug

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Console: What one does to a depressed computer

Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words

Dump: A system programmer's work area

Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative

Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages

Loop: See loop

Machine-independent Program: A program which will not run on any machine

Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer

Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search

On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago

Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-146

Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization

User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

test group

DISSERTATION TITLES
THAT SUGGEST THE AUTHOR
WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH OTHER ISSUES
AT THE TIME OF WRITING.
By Zhubin Parang

From Anaphase to Telophase: The Complex Steps of Cell Separation, None of Which, Incidentally, Involve Divorce Lawyers

Various Expressions of Human Cognitive Ability: Why There Are Many Ways to Measure Intelligence Besides LSAT Scores, Stanford

The Birth of Jury Trials: A Complete Translation of Lord Mansfield's Trial Notes, for Which I Will Finally Earn My Father's Respect

Bond Rates as a Function of Market Equilibrium: Please, God, Don't Let Me Be Pregnant

Multiracial Community Development at a Crossroads: The Effect of�Aw, F uck, What's the Point?

Experiential Deviations in Quantum�SWEET JESUS, THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE!

- - - -

INAPPROPRIATE "DO IT" SLOGANS.
By Jeremy Martin

Cardiologists do it 'til your heart stops.

Poison Control Hotline operators do it 'til you puke.

Catholic priests do it 'til you hit puberty.

Vice presidents do it from an undisclosed location.

Trekkies do it 'til their mom comes home.

Donkey anesthesiologists do it 'til your ass falls asleep.

How close are the sims to reality?

Kick Ass

Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Pentium Processor - Computerizes porn
Monica Lewinsky - A lick wins money
Dormitory - Dirty room
Evangelist - Evil's agent
Desperation - A rope ends it
The Morse Code - Here come dots
Slot Machines - Cash lost in 'em
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas, no more Zs
The public art galleries - Large picture halls, I bet
A decimal point - I'm a dot in place
The earthquakes - That queer shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
President Clinton of the USA - To copulate, he finds interns
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. ----------- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

/end Anagram Time

Its the story of a fake check that wasen't so fake

1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .....very gently.

6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your toenails shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

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Test was long 9am to 130pm. Being inside pretty much is just like being inside any corporate facility with suit level dress codes. so you walk around and see some cubicles and such and then you look at a bulletin board and see the normal announcements and memos and such expect you look a little harder and you see a 6 page memo and the new guidelines for the use of deadly force and you go, ah yes these people can and will shoot me.......

Christmas season keeps getting longer and longer and now its so long that pilots arn't looking out for the man in red early enough.

Ohhhh Nooo

OPPS

Santa Gordon

just a couple of more random things

Under reason for dismissal your employer checked other and then wrote in "Treason"

Not right

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful

Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load

Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough

Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.

Goodyear condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"